So, almost nine months later and I still don't have my bearings on straight, but at least I have bearings.

I think I realized that I needed a break. I think this journal had become something that tied me to my past in high school and previous years of college. Granted, I don't want to lose the written recordings of my life at the time (I mean, hey...that was me at the time). I just needed to start over...so I did.

I started a new xanga. Yes, I realize I'm making this out to sound like some over exaggerated, life-changing event, but it has allowed me to open up and finally realize that, for quite some time, I've been lying to myself. What a revelation. Along with that, I realized that I had lost all concept of what my passions were/are. I'm still on the road of finding out what they are and and personally hope that it's not a goal with a final destination but instead a lifelong pursuit of discovering new things. I mean, I'd like to think that I'll change significantly over time. Who's to say that my passions won't evolve as well?

Anywho, yeah. That's it. If anyone still lingers in this cold, damp, abandoned world that is xanga, light a flare. I'm sure I'll see it.

So much of my life feels so personal now.
I'll update you all when my bearings get on straight...

I'm flustered.
I'm fragile.
I'm desperate and I'm angry.

I just can't do this anymore.

By
grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from
yourselves, it is the gift of God -- not by works, so that no one can
boast.-Ephesians 2:8-9

"The only person who knows my true worth is God.
God is not influenced by any past failures or successes. And God does
not regard what others think of me. God alone knows exactly who I am,
and the unbelievable fact is that God still loved me enough to allow
Jesus to die for me. My heart is full of inexplicable joy at this truth."

I tend to have issue with self-worth. I'm sure this goes for other people as well, but I can dole out compliments all day long but if someone were to send one my way, nine times out of ten I just brush it off, thinking to myself that they didn't really mean it or that it really wasn't true. I can't explain it...it's just how I work.

It is comforting to know that, despite what I or others may think my worth is, God has a totally different view. Yes, sometimes I disappoint him and do things that aren't to His glory, but that doesn't mean I'm tarnished in His eyes. Lately I've been shown some things in my life that need tweaking. Some need cleaning...and others needed to be trashed. I've been trying to get back on track and am glad God actually showed me what was going on in my life. I've never been able to actually witness Satan weaseling his way into my life. I had prayed at camp to actually be hungry for God...to want nothing but more of Him. It's a work in progress but it's something I'm actually going to pursue. I'm pushing aside any idea of dating right now so that I can get my act together. Any prayer would be greatly appreciated. I have a feeling this semester will be slightly interesting...and not necessarily in a stressful way.

*points to first picture*
yes. it's a gift.

So. I'm back stateside. I've been home for two weeks but it feels like forever. I've talked to Lucy and others and it feels like we were hardly ever away...and that's a bad thing. Almost five months of experience being swallowed up by a blase summer. Yes, I have gotten to see friends and family of whom I've missed. I just feel like this town is suffocating. I'm hoping Greenville will be better but I'm not sure. I've considered after college either going into the Peace Corps or getting a work visa in Scotland for six months to a year. That solely depends on money and where God wants me because honestly...I have no clue what I'm going to do after I graduate. Probably avoid a "real" job as long as possible.

I remember talking to Lucy and Chris in my living room in NZ about how we could talk for days about our experiences abroad and people would either get tired of it quickly or just not get it. I strongly recommend that everyone goes and travels to another country for at least one month. It will change your life and make you see things so differently. Plus, upon coming back, you'll realize a lot of things that you wouldn't have seen about your own country had you not left.
*sigh*

I'm so frustrated right now.

I'm an old geezer.
I'm heading to the south island for a week.
See ya.

I only have two more weeks here in New Zealand. I really, really don't want to leave. Not yet =

I am completely and utterly ridiculous.

Time is flying by entirely too fast =

I'd write more but it's 3:36 in the morning and I'm a wee bit tired. Meh.