I wish I could change the name of my xanga but I don't want to lose the literal years of writing on here. I do realize that I wrote some pretty ridiculous things in high school but... well... I wrote them. They're mine and, chances are in a few years, I'll find the entry I'm writing now to be completely unimportant and instead will rant and rave about things that fascinate me. Or maybe by that point, xanga will be a fond but distant memory, just like opendiary is now. Actually, frankly, I don't miss that thing a bit. Too much drama but I do wish I had some of my first entries from the beginning of high school or whenever it was I started that thing many moons ago.

I'm finding home to be rather boring. Yes, I have some friends here that I hang out with, but I'm really not using my time to the best of its ability. I'm finding myself glued to the television (something that didn't happen at school...thank you lack of cable), watching ridiculous shows and not changing the channel because frankly...the dog literally ate the remote or at least stashed it somewhere and didn't feel the compassion to direct us to its location. What a pal. Regardless, this break is making me a complete and utter bum. I'm not liking it. Yes, things will pick up in a couple weeks, but until then I'm stuck. I'm not getting the hours I need at work. I'm seeing my friends occasionally but they're busy too. Life is moving around me and I'm stuck.

I keep getting the feeling that New Zealand is going to be big. BIG big. Big as in "Missy this will determine huge amounts in your life". It still doesn't feel like it's going to happen...like I'm going to screw something up. Everything substantial is out of my hands right now. I'm waiting on my visa and get really apprehensive about it. If that doesn't come in time, I eat plane tickets. Please pray that I get it before the 8th. Heck...I'll even take it the 8th. Or the 12th. Just not the 13th =. Freaking out aside, I feel like career choices might be a result of this trip. Of course, I'm going to have that little faith for a romance or whatever, but that's not mandatory. I guess I could just compare to this to a tsunami...looming quietly in the distance but will soon wash over and change everything.

..for the best, I hope.

I'm starting to get this idea in my head that I have no idea what is going on in life. My friends and I are becoming adults and not actually just taking on the title. My good friend is engaged to the love of her life and is expecting a little girl in May. My friends and I go out to lunch and talk politics and about our future. My decisions are actually ones that will affect my future and who and what will be involved in it.

Holy crap... when did this happen?

I'm a relatively young lass of some twenty summers. I don't claim to know the answers to everything nor will I ever come close to actually knowing it all. I thought I had it figured out what I want to do after a period of huge stress and anxiety. Now...it feels that no matter what degree I go for or what I pursue, my purpose in life will have nothing to do with my degree. Nothing to do with any sheet of paper that says what career I chose.

I wish I could understand my own subconscious. I know there are plenty of underlying things going on in my brain that my present logic just ignores. I wish someone could open up my head, take a peek, and tell me what to do in certain situations. "Missy...your frontal lobe looks like hamburger. Oh, and don't take that job" "Missy, you need to pursue this option" "Missy...go with the linguine. It's fabulous". I wish that I could do what I felt was right for me and actually know what that would be. I really can't stand that a lot of what I determine is actually determined by how it affects other people and how they'll see me. I have already made some big changes in my life this past semester and am about to probably endure the biggest of them yet in the upcoming.

I am thankful, however, for my friends and family that have gotten me to where I am today. My parents have stood up for me through thick and thin and have always loved me no matter how lazy/forgetful/stubborn I am. My sisters are THE best in the world. Seriously. You beg to differ? We'll duke it out. My friends don't hit me in the face whenever I call them multiple times about stupid decisions or things I've done recently. They tell me honestly what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. I've met people in my life that have told me what I wanted to hear and it most definitely did not progress me as a person.

I think it ultimately comes down to what I want. What do I want to accomplish in my lifetime...in the next twenty years (hopefully that's not the entirety of my lifetime...eek!)...or even tomorrow. I want to take risks. I want to fall so madly in love that I will still get butterflies when I see them forty years from now. I want to greatly and positively affect all the people I can in the years I have left. I don't know about you guys, but these past few years have flown by. I'm supposed to graduate college in a year and a half...I feel like I'm just now starting.

Hellllloooo life journey. I'm Missy. *extends hand*

An entry is in order...

Today...er...yesterday was Christmas. The whole season seemed a bit awry but I think it all came together. Oh! I got into the ceramics program! Woot! But my professor felt the need to tell me that I barely got in. Gee...thanks for killing my joy. Now I'm the "mediocre" one. *sigh*

New Zealand is coming together. It's bizarre. I figured I'd screw something up and not be able to go. I got the loan, my passport is in, gotta finalize and send in my visa stuff, and I'm set. Just gotta get the plane ticket across the states.

Wow. I'm actually doing this.

And, because it's 3:13 in the morning, I'm going to waste time and do a pointless survey. Hooray boredom.

+ when is the last time you held hands with someone? and meant it? late august
+ if you woke up as the opposite gender, what's the 1st thing you do? freak out about having a penis
+ who did you last hug? my mom
+ have you ever crawled through a window? did about a week ago when I was locked out =
+ where is your mom? snoring in bed
+ Morning or night person? apparently a late nighter
+ what was the last movie you watched? superbad? (yes, it was super BAD)
+ do you have a crush on anyone right now? meh. yes.
+ any cool scars? a couple on my left knuckles. kinda accidently punched a wall?
+ things about the opposite sex you notice first: smile, hair, and eyes
+ what is your curfew? curfew shmurfew
+ would you ever dye your hair red? eh. bec's the redhead in the family. good job.
+ last text says: probably something about christmas. my phone's in the room.
+ what career would you wish to be in?: hm. ideally helping people. right now the plan is ceramics and massage therapy but i have a feeling it will change...
+ which country would you like to visit? newwwwwwwww zealand (and russia, italy, and greece)
+ do you want a well paying job or a job you enjoy? a job i enjoy
+ what did you wear today? reppin' the PJs all day, man
+ when were you last on the phone? earlier this evening when I called Carrie about her engagement (!!)
+ what were the shoes you wore today? none. eat that.
+ do you like math? sure
+ how about History? its alright
+ have you ever seen 5 squirrels at one time? have you been on ECU's campus?
+ can you touch your nose with your tounge? if i push my nose down (and yes, i just tried and slobbered all over myself)
+ who's your favorite person to talk to online? not sure. mike reed is pretty bangin'
+ have you ever used photobucket? nope
+ do you like hugs? only if they're good ones. those measly hoverandbarelytouch hugs are pointless.
+ have you ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth? yep
+ what do you do right before you go to bed? take a pill and take out my contacts
+ right when you get out of bed? stumble around aimlessly while growling and tearing apart my room
+ would you date a guy with hair longer than yours? at this point? no. (my hair is long now...)
+ do you want to be famous? eh. not really.
+ do you do your own laundry? yep

THIS WAS SHORT I'MMA FIND ANOTHER ONE

ARE YOU:

1. An asshole - only to those who really piss me off (rarely happens)
2. Tall - nope
3. In your pajamas - yep
4. Left handed - I wish
5. Sensitive - yep
6. Easy to be a friend - i'd like to think so
7. Hot or cold or perfect - vaaaague
8. Angered easily - nope

LAST:

1. Friend you saw - other than family? probably melissa, meredith, or jenn
2. To punch you - who knows
3. Thing you drank - OJ
4. Purchase - christmas gifts
5. Thing to make you laugh - people's ridiculous comments on the internet

FAVORITE:

1. Number - nada
2. Colors - green
3. Snack - uh. that varies
4. Food - the kind that makes my belly say "mm"
5. Song - probably something by the avett brothers
6. Day - missyday
7. Season - summer is pretty bangin'

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

Q: What's the first thing you did this morning?
rolled over

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
this dude finding nothing else to talk about but how girls have done him wrong and so on

Q: Where is the last place you went?
the bathroom. har har

Q: Where did you sleep last night?
my bed

Q: Why did you sleep there?
it's ...mine?

Q: What was your last thought before going to sleep last night?
probably about New Zealand

Q: Rate life as of right now one being bad, ten being great?
7?

Q: What do you hear right now?
my computer fan

Q: Where is your girlfriend/ boyfriend right now?
don't have one...the ex is in amsterdam now =

Q: Last place you hugged someone?
kitchen

Q: Name three things you did today?
unwrapped presents, freaked out about my camera and mp3 player, and played entirely too many board games

Q: Last thing you said?
no idea

Q: What kind of phone do you have?
lg something. it's lovely and my first one everrrrrr

Q: What are you doing right now?
wasting precious sleep time

Q: What color are your eyes?
green

Q: Are you wearing shoes?
negatory

Q: Do you have a chair in your room?
as of right now? no

Q: What are you doing tomorrow?
possibly meeting up with carrie to exchange gifts, getting stuff together for the trip, and uh....picking my nose

Q: Do you know anyone named Betsy?
I did

Q: What's the color of your hair?
blondish reddish brown

Q: How was your day?
alright. how was yours?

Q: How'd ya sleep last night?
took me a while to konk out but it was christmas...that's how it goes

Q: When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
earlier before she went to bed

Q: Do you play an instrument?
used to.

Q: Do you like fire?
sure...but not burning anything like my house or...you know...me.

Q: Are you allergic to anything?
stupidity

Q: Do you miss anyone?
of course

- Five Years Ago
1. How old were you: 15
2. What were you most obsessed about: sophomore year of high school? probably a boy
3. What did you do for fun: marching band crap
4. Were you in a relationship: nope
5. How did you get around (car, bus, etc.): friends with cars
6. Who were your friends: high school peeps
7. What was the most upsetting thing to happen during that time: hm. i'd rather not go into it
8. What song do you remember loving: my memory blows
9. What was one thing that changed during that age: who my best friend was
10. Describe how you were: naive

- Now
1. How old are you: 20
2. What are you obsessing over: uh...nothing, really?
3. What do you do for fun: i hang out with da cool peeps
4. Are you in a relationship: negative
5. How do you get around: car/my feet
6. Who are your friends: frankly, I don't think we have the time
7. What's the most upsetting thing to happen to you so far: probably don't even want to think about what that might be
8. What song do you currently love: *shrug*
9. What's changing: your shorts
10. Describe who you are now: older. definitely older.

- Revelation
1. Has much changed: oh yeah
2. Do you think bigger changes are ahead: of course
3. Is the future bright or grim: briiiiiiiiight
4. Who has stuck by you the most: family
5. What's the biggest lesson you've learned so far: gotta have faith in yourself

I am unbelieveably nervous and uneasy for the next few weeks. I won't simply won't get it all done in time...

Apparently today is my opinion day. Be prepared.

I finished watching a movie today in women's studies: "Iron Jawed Angels". It was about the movement to get women's suffrage and what they had to go through to get it. It really made me respect those women much more (or, sadly, at all) with how passionate they were and went through so much crap just to get a voice in our nation. What really infuriated me was how the president and higher-ups were lying about things just so they could get their way. For instance, Alice Paul (one of the most important leaders of the movement) was sent to a prison for when she was picketting in front of the White House (arrested for "blocking traffic"). She refused to eat so they forced-fed her and made her stay in the mental hospital and see a psychologist. He kept telling the president and his crew that she wasn't crazy and that she was just supporting her cause. They kept trying to manipulate what he said and thought to what they wanted. They blatantly lied so much. SO much. I resisted the urge to hurl something at the screen just because it infuriated me to that extent. It also made me think...how trustworthy are the people in our government? Our political system? Now, I'm no scholar when it comes to politics but I do know right from wrong. There are so many people who want to do great things for our country but many get skewed when they enter the political realm. Just today I was talking to someone who was about seven to nine years older than me and was married. He kept mentioning how him being married must be such a turn-off and how he normally likes the younger girls (his wife is a couple years his senior). Um...?! What is happening here?! For one, when did the sanctity of marriage become such a crock? Secondly, these are the sorts of people who are making huge decisions for us? Something is greatly wrong here...

...which brings me to another thing that gets me. Now, I'm not completely sure what I think happened with the whole O.J. thing back in the 90's. I'm getting the feeling of 'guilty' on his part but who knows except him and God. Now, the news coverage of his newest ordeal involving possible robbery and so forth. Firstly, if I were him after the whole Nicole murder thing, I'd stay out of the public eye for pretty much the rest of my life. Apparently he and I don't see things the same way. Anywho, what doesn't bug me isn't necessarily that he's involved in more crap now but how the media is covering it. It threw me when this article mentioned his clothing colors and styles...as if it mattered. Little hints throughout the article (and tons of other stuff) leads me to the conclusion that our culture is simply becoming too based on entertainment. We pay entirely too much money to actors in films (most of which who are good at what they do) and athletes when we have so much we could use that money for. How big is our debt again? Oh yeah....huge. I'm all about reaping some benefits but to an extent. I don't mean to sound cocky or "holier than thou", but despite how little money I have had throughout my college career, I'm still sponsoring a child in Ecuador. Now, I realize that not everyone has the financial capability to do so, but those who do...why aren't we trying to help more? What I have is God's anyway, so who am I to try to control what happens with it? So, all rabbit trails aside, my summary (READ THIS PART IF YOU'RE LAZY) is that our culture/country is going down the crapper. Hooray.

"If you're an attractive guy, everyone thinks you're successful just because of the way you look. I hate that."
-James Marsden

Modesty is uncommon nowadays.

I feel like I owe xanga a decent entry but I don't want the entire world to know all my secrets so...I'll give you just a taste.

Aubrey and I are no longer together. Things didn't end on a bad note. He was just expecting to go to Spain about two weeks ago but alas...no visa. We had agreed to cut it before he went so that we wouldn't have to go through the whole "long distance" nonsense. Plus, it's for the best. It's been difficult for more reasons than you'll ever know but...

...I've jumped into God's arms. He's the only reason I'm where I am right now. I have peace and comfort and know that, no matter how much I screw up or do stupid things (or don't do anything at all), He's still in every nook and cranny of my life. And I like it like that. Wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm still getting used to this whole "single" thing again. I'm finding it to be a totally different experience than the many years I was single before. I'm liking it though...more of the "change" I've been expected.

I also was accepted by ECU to go to New Zealand. Now I just have to wait until the end of the month or beginning of October (already?! geez this year's flown by) to see if Massey University has accepted me (yes...Missy at Massey. go ahead and get it out of your system). I've been looking up all sorts of things with that like plane tickets, housing, loans, etc. It's a looootta crap to be accountable for but I think it will be an amazing experience. I'm currently taking donations to the "Get Missy the heck outta the country" fund.

That's about it for tonight but I greatly appreciate all the prayers sent my way. You may have thought they were in vain or maybe just that you wouldn't see the product of them yourself but you have: I'm right here.

I need prayer.

Desperately.

I'm officially moved into my house for the upcoming semester. It's definitely nice to have my own room but I'm gonna miss being right there with most of my friends in the dorm. I am liking the fact that I have a queen sized bed now though =)

I'm currently at work for the next three and a half hours, so xanga....here I am. Welcome back.

Today (er...Saturday) marks six months of togetherness with the one and only Aubrey Sharp. We spent most of the day out on the town after having made breakfast. I took him to get a massage (a professional one, mind you) and then we headed to the lake for some "sit-on-the-pier" time. A cheap movie and Sonic passed the time and then yummy Thai food followed. We walked around Creekside at dusk and drove around a little. Overall, I'd say today was the best day in a while. I'd show a picture or two but all the pictures are in my head.

*sigh*